


Counseling

by irena_adler



Series: Watson [57]
Category: Numb3rs
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, discussion of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-25 01:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6175591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irena_adler/pseuds/irena_adler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Colby tries to address some deep issues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ficlet: Running Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colby gets some bad news.

**Title:** Running Away **  
Characters:** Colby/Charlie

**  
**Rating: R, FRMA **  
**Summary:  Colby gets some bad news. **  
**Disclaimer: Not my characters, not my world, making no money. **  
**Feedback: Yes, please! Feed the author!  
**A/N:** Thanks to my betas, even if I am doing a lot of Colby-thumping.  


 

**Running Away—** ****

Sitting at his office desk, Charlie glared at his laptop, as if by the intensity of his gaze he could figure out the flaw in the cryptography program he was developing.

“Charlie?”

“Yeah, hang on,” Charlie mumbled.

“Charlie?”That time the identity of the speaker, and the tone of voice, penetrated his concentration.He looked up to see Colby standing by his desk, looking pale.

“What’s wrong?” Charlie asked, then his heart sank. “Is Don okay?”

“Nothing like that,” Colby said, reaching out a hand.“C’mere?”

Frowning, Charlie pushed his chair back and stood up.He took Colby’s hand and Colby pulled him into a fierce hug.Charlie’s arms automatically went around Colby’s waist.

“Cole?” he asked, alarmed.

“An old army buddy of mine died,” Colby said.

“Oh,” Charlie said with relief, then realized that was pretty rude. “I’m sorry,” he added quickly.“Afghanistan?”

“Florida,” Colby mumbled.“Killed himself.”

“Oh,” Charlie said weakly.

They stood for a moment, Colby with his arms tight around Charlie’s shoulders, his cheek pressed against Charlie’s hair.

“I’m sorry, I’m not very good at what to say—” Charlie started.

“Just let me hold you,” Colby whispered.

Charlie bit his lip and shifted his arms to a more comfortable position.He felt Colby’s chest rise and fall with each ragged breath.

“That could have been me,” Colby murmured at last.“Divorced, unemployed, strung-out, paranoid.My family not talking to me, jumping at strange noises, seeing _Taliban_ around every corner.”

“No,” Charlie responded. “Never could have been you.”

“What if …” Colby spoke so quietly Charlie had to strain to hear.“What if the urge to kill yourself is genetic?”

Charlie pulled back so that he could look Colby in the face.“Now you’re being silly.My Colby would never do that.You’re too strong.You don’t run from mistakes or bad situations.”

“Don’t I?”

“No,” Charlie said firmly.“Not in this universe or any parallel ones.You don’t run away, you take responsibility.Just look at Nena, or me, or your job.”

“He had those.”

Charlie knew that the ‘he’ didn’t refer to Colby’s army buddy.“You aren’t your father, Cole.”

“I have nightmares.”

Charlie gave him a sad smile.“I know.”

“And not just while I’m asleep.”Colby continued, his voice choked.“I’ll be walking down the street and I’ll see a guy in a turban and suddenly I’m in Kabul and I taste the spices and I smell the perfume people use to try to cover the stink of sewage.I see a certain kind of pickup truck and I think, ‘Taliban Taxi!’ and my heart starts racing.” His eyes slid away from Charlie’s.“I see a picture of red daisies and I think of the wallpaper in my dad’s kitchen with his brains splashed all over it.”

“Oh, Colby,” Charlie said helplessly.

“Sometimes I think I’ve put it all behind me, and then I get a phone call that Ortiz just shot himself in the head with his M9.Then I’m back in that damn kitchen, and for some reason, it smells like perfume and raw sewage.”

“Have you thought about talking to someone about it?”Charlie asked carefully.

“I _am_ talking to someone about it.”

“No, I mean a counselor or someone.Someone who might be able to help you.”

“You help me,” Colby said, drawing Charlie back into his arms.

“Colby, you need real help.”Charlie protested, frightened for Colby.“You’re talking Post Traumatic Stress Disorder here, and it’s serious stuff.”

“I’m okay, most of the time,” Colby said, his voice muffled against Charlie’s hair.

“I want you to be okay all of the time,” Charlie said stubbornly.

“I know, Angel,” Colby said softly.“Can we just go home and sit on the couch together and drink beer and watch a dumb movie?We’ll talk more later.”

_No, we won’t,_ Charlie thought.Colby would clam up and Charlie wouldn’t know how to bring the subject up again.It would go into the big pile of things they didn’t talk about.But they were talking about it now.So Charlie better seize the opportunity.

“Ok, home, beer and movie, on one condition,” Charlie said, then continued with a rush, “You call the local VA to see who you need to talk to about PTSD and then you go and you actually talk to whoever they said you need to talk to.”He took a breath.“And this time you actually be present with the counselor, instead of the months of therapy after your dad died when you said you were asleep or a robot?”

Colby was silent.

Charlie pulled slightly away from him and put his most pleading look on his face.That look usually worked, but he’d never needed it as much as he did now.“Please, Cole?”

Colby’s eyes were blank and the corner of his mouth spasmed.

Charlie gripped Colby’s waist anxiously.“Cole?”

Colby breathed out and closed his eyes.He gave a short nod.

“Promise?” Charlie said.

“I promise,” Colby said tiredly.

“Thank you,” Charlie said and reached up to kiss Colby’s forehead.“You better keep that promise or else I’ll sic Megan on you.”

Colby gave a soft snort of laughter and opened his eyes.

“So,” Charlie said with determined cheerfulness, “What movie you want to see?”

Colby shrugged.“Something mindless.”

“How about …”Charlie wracked his brain.“How about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?”

“What?”Colby said with a tiny, surprised smile.

“Yeah,” Charlie grinned.“That brainless enough for ya?One of my students says that he always watches that after his last exams.Says it’s all his brain could handle after a semester.”

“Sounds perfect,” Colby said, giving Charlie another hug.Charlie hugged him back tightly.

Colby released him, and Charlie shutdown his laptop and packed his bag.Charlie looked around to make sure he had everything, then nodded at Colby.

As they walked toward the door, Colby said, “You wouldn’t really sic Megan on me, would you?”

Charlie checked Colby’s face and thought there was the shadow of a smile there, so he replied, “You betcha.”

“Damn,” Colby shook his head and smiled.“I think I’d rather get shot.”


	2. Drabble: Cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colby comes home from his first counseling appointment.

**Title:** Cookies **  
Characters:** Colby/Charlie

 **  
Rating:** PG, FRK+ **  
Summary:**   Colby comes home from his first counseling appointment. **  
Disclaimer:** Not my characters, not my world, making no money. **  
Feedback:** Yes, please! Feed the author!  
 **A/N:** Thanks to my betas.

**Cookies—**

Charlie paced around the kitchen, hoping he’d got the timing of the cookies right.Colby should be back soon from his first appointment with the VA counselor.Since it was Charlie who pushed him to go, he was anxious for it to have gone well.Or if not, at least offer some fresh cookies in apology.He chose a lopsided chocolate chip cookie and picked it apart.

He heard the front door open and Charlie scooped up the plate of hot cookies.Putting a smile on his face, he pushed open the kitchen door.

Colby was dumping his wallet and keys on the side table.He looked tired and drained, the skin around his eyes red.

“So, how’d it go?” Charlie asked with determined cheerfulness.

Staring down at the table, Colby said dully, “He said I should leave you.”

The plate slipped from Charlie’s fingers and smashed at his feet.


	3. Drabble: Shards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie falls to pieces.

**Title:** Shards **  
Characters:** Colby/Charlie

 **  
Rating:** PG, FRK+ **  
Summary:**   Charlie falls to pieces. **  
Disclaimer:** Not my characters, not my world, making no money. **  
Feedback:** Yes, please! Feed the author!  
 **A/N:** Sequel to [Cookies](http://irena-adler.livejournal.com/52960.html).  I was going to post this tomorrow, but demand for an immediate sequel was *cough*  passionate.  Thanks to my betas.  


**Shards--**

Distantly, Charlie felt the shards of china and melted chocolate chips on his bare feet.

_He’s leaving me, he’s leaving--The melting point of chocolate is slightly below the average human body temperature._

Charlie swayed and wondered why he didn’t fall.

_The momentum of a system of objects is the vector sum of the momenta of all the individual objects in the system._

“No, Charlie, no!” Colby was saying, his hands gripping Charlie’s arms.

_Inertia is the property of an object to remain constant in velocity unless acted upon by an outside force._

“God, you’re white as a sheet!”

_That presupposes that sheets are white, whereas sheets are often other colors, therefore the statement is nonsensical._

Colby lifted him into his arms.

_Gravity is a weak force that it can be easily overcome by human muscle effort._

He was sitting on the couch without traveling the distance in between.

_Sufficient gravity can warp space and bend light._

Colby pressed a glass of water into his hands.

_H 20 is two hydrogen atoms covalently bonded to one oxygen atom.Looks like Mickey Mouse._

“Drink!” The glass was wet against his lips.

_Surface tension is due to hydrogen bonding._

The water rushed into his throat and he coughed.

_The esophagus, not the trachea, uses peristalsis for the passage of food._

“Charlie, listen to me.”

_Sound is energy that moves throughmatterin waves of pressure, which act upon the human ear._

“I told him to go to Hell.I would never leave you, Angel.”

_An angel going to Hell is a theological contra—_

“No?” Charlie gasped, pushing the glass away.He grabbed for Colby’s shirt, hanging on and staring desperately into Colby’s face.“No?”

“No,” Colby said firmly.“I’m not leaving you.”

“Oh, good,” Charlie said, his voice wobbly.“I made you cookies.”

 


	4. Ficlet: Salvage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colby tells what happened at the counselor's office.

**Title:** Salvage **  
Characters:** Colby/Charlie

**  
**Rating: PG, FRK+ **  
**Summary:  Colby tells what happened at the counselor's office. **  
**Disclaimer: Not my characters, not my world, making no money. **  
**Feedback: Yes, please! Feed the author!  
**A/N:** Sequel to [Cookies](http://irena-adler.livejournal.com/52960.html) and [Shards](http://irena-adler.livejournal.com/53357.html#cutid1) **.**    Thanks to my betas.

  


**Salvage--**

Colby helped Charlie salvage cookies from the remains of the plate.“I’m sorry,” he said.“I didn’t realize how that would sound.”

Charlie grumbled, “It sounded horrific.”

“Yeah, sorry,” Colby said again.He felt utterly drained.He didn’t actually have much interest in cookies at the moment, but he appreciated the gesture.Pushing open the kitchen door, he got the broom and dustpan.

“That was one of your mother’s china plates, wasn’t it?”Colby asked as he swept up the china shards.

“Yeah,” Charlie said glumly.“I thought the cookies looked good on it.”

“I’m sure you can find a replacement online.”

“Won’t be the same,” Charlie said, putting the remaining cookies on a fresh plate.

“Sorry,” Colby said again.He picked up a cookie and stumbled back to the couch.Closing his eyes, he leaned his head back and took a bite of the cookie.It was hot and melty and tasted like home.

Colby heard Charlie set the plate on the table and come sit next to him.Colby reached out blindly, found Charlie, and pulled him close. “Good cookies, Angel.”

“Good,” Charlie responded then waited.

Keeping his eyes closed, Colby sighed.“The guy I saw today was not the nicest guy. But he also wasn’t a counselor.”

“Huh?”

“Or rather, he was _a_ counselor but what the appointment was about was an assessment.You have to get officially diagnosed with PTSD to get the benefits.”

Colby felt Charlie nod.

“So he’s asking and asking me stuff for over an hour, and at first it was all about my childhood and then my time in the Army.Then he starts asking me about my current life and I was stupid, _stupid_.I forgot I was talking to the military.Everyone around us has been so great about – okay, not everyone but most people – about us that I managed to block out the Army’s stance on it.”Colby ate more of his cookie as he remembered that moment where he’d said he lived with his boyfriend and the counselor’s eyes had lit up, like a sniper that had just spotted his target.

  
  


_The counselor says, ‘By openly engaging in homosexual behavior, you’re endangering your Veteran benefits.’_

_I say, ‘I don’t care.’_

_He pauses, looks at me, then says, ‘Based on your family history, I believe you come from a highly conservative background.How do you feel about participating in activities that your family finds sinful?’_

_‘My family has nothing to do with this.’_

_‘I think your family has everything to do with this.Perhaps you are using this method to strike back at your family who allowed your father to kill himself, or maybe at your father himself who abandoned you?’_

_I stare at him in horror.How can he think such things?‘My relationship with Charlie isn’t trying to get back at anyone, he’s really good for me.We’re happy.’_

_‘But only now you’re coming to see a counselor.This relationship seems to be triggering a resurfacing of various trauma.’_

_‘Huh?It’s Charlie that got me to come here and talk to you!’_

_He nods.‘He recognizes that he is destructive for you so he’s trying to get you to see that.I believe the sooner you leave him and return to a normal life, the better.’_

_I’ve had enough.I jump to my feet.‘Okay, screw you.I don’t need to listen to this trash.If you think I’m going to leave the best thing that’s ever happened to me, you can go to Hell!’I begin to stomp out of the room._

_At the door, he calls ‘Wait!’_

_Something about his voice makes me pause and turn to look at him._

_‘I apologize,’ he says.‘I needed to test your reaction to personal attack.’He starts writing on his clipboard._

_I stand there for a moment, just looking at him.Maybe there’s an item on his assessment checklist about testing my reactions, but he took way too much pleasure in that.Something personal … or he’s just cruel._

_He says, ‘I will be making a formal diagnosis later, but my initial assessment is that you are only suffering from mild PTSD, if that, which does not cause significant distress, or affect your ability to function socially, occupationally, or domestically.I will most likely be denying your petition for VA disability benefits.’_

_My throat is so tight with anger that I can’t say anything.I want to scream at him that he has no idea what it is like to relive your father’s suicide over and over or to have flashes of a gun battle intrude on your thoughts without warning.He sits there in his safe chair, smug in his psychologist superiority, writing on his clipboard._

_He continues, ‘I’ll send you a formal letter within a few weeks, which will include a list of civilian counselors that specialize in situations like yours.I recommend that you look one of them up.’_

_I wait, trembling with fury, but he has nothing more to say.I push open the door and walk unsteadily to my car.I need to go home, home to Charlie.He told me I should leave you, Charlie, how stupid is that?_

  
  


Colby finished his cookie and opened his eyes.He brushed a lock of hair away from Charlie’s face and stroked his cheek.“It turned out that he was testing me, making a personal attack to see how I would react.”

Charlie stared at him.“That’s crazy!”

“Yeah, sick bastard.And he decided that I don’t suffer from PTSD, at least not bad enough to qualify for benefits.”

“But …” Charlie said, his eyes growing even wider.“You need to talk to someone about your nightmares and your dad …”

“He’s gonna give me a list of ‘civilian counselors’ and I’ll try one of them out.But I swear, that counselor better be a good one because I don’t think I can go to a third.”

“What was this guy’s name?” Charlie asked.“I think I need to go … beat him up or something.”

Colby barked a laugh, unable to stop himself.

“What?”Charlie said with a weak attempt at huffiness.“You don’t think I could?”

“I’ve learned to never underestimate you,” Colby said, giving him a kiss on the forehead.“But maybe it’s better that I don’t go through the Army shrinks anyway.I couldn’t stand any … prejudice against you and me.”

“When you get that list of civilian counselors, I’m gonna have Don run some checks on them, make sure they’re okay before you go there,” Charlie said firmly.“Then I’m gonna call them myself to make sure they’re not sick bastards before you go there.”

“Thanks,” Colby said sincerely.“I don’t want to go through that again.”

“Not if I can help it!” Charlie agreed.

At home, safe, with his arm around Charlie, Colby could feel a little more understanding towards the counselor.A little.

He mumbled, “You know, that VA guy is probably under pressure to diagnose fewer people with PTSD to save money.”

“That’s no excuse!”Charlie said stoutly.“He made me break one of Mom’s plates!”


	5. Ficlet: Interrogation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie talks with a possible counselor for Colby.

**Title:** Interrogation **  
Characters:** Colby/Charlie

 **  
Rating:** PG, FRK+ **  
Summary:**   Charlie talks with a possible counselor for Colby. **  
Disclaimer:** Not my characters, not my world, making no money. **  
Feedback:** Yes, please! Feed the author!  
 **A/N:** Sequel to [Cookies](http://irena-adler.livejournal.com/52960.html), [Shards](http://irena-adler.livejournal.com/53357.html#cutid1), and [Salvage](http://irena-adler.livejournal.com/54278.html).   Thanks to my betas.

**Interrogation--** ****

“Dr. Fox?Thanks for calling me back.My name is Dr. Charles Eppes.I’m not a real doctor.Rather I am a real doctor, multiple times over, but PhDs, not a medical doctor.”

“What can you do for me?Right, yeah.What would a Doctor of Mathematics be doing calling a Doctor of Psychology?Because that’s me, a Doctor of Mathematics, pretty well known actually.‘Though a Doctor of Mathematics might call a Doctor of Psychology because there is some overlap, especially in the area of the brain.I’m very interested in cognitive emergence, for example.But I’m not calling you about that.I have a friend, a very good friend, who has an appointment with you next week for counseling and I needed to call you and make sure you were okay before then.See, he’s had some really bad experiences with counselors in his life and I don’t think that if it goes bad with you that he’ll be able to make himself find someone else.”

“Yeah, no pressure, sorry.So I’m calling to ask you some questions, if you can answer them.I’m not really sure how that works but I’m not gonna be asking you about a particular patient so it doesn’t violate the patient confidentiality, I believe.”

“Thanks, thanks for being willing to talk to me.Umm, first question, let’s see.Do you have any experience with working with ex-military?”

“Okay, good, right, that’s why the army counselor recommended you.Though he couldn’t get Colby out of his office fast enough once he found out—Umm, Federal law enforcement, any difficulties with that?”

“No, not if you’ve been in trouble with the Feds, that would have turned up in the background check.”

“Umm, yeah, I had my brother, who’s in the FBI, he’s actually Colby’s boss—Oh, Colby is my friend, Colby Granger.You have an appointment with him next week, right?”

“On Monday, yeah.So I had my brother run a background check on you to make sure that you were legitimate and didn’t have a history of, I don’t know, shooting your patients.”

“Yeah, we’re all kind off protective of Colby, he’s had some hard stuff happen to him.Not that he thinks he needs protecting …Oh great, giving you lots of psychology counseling stuff to chew on, aren’t I?”

“No, no, Colby knows I was gonna call you.His experience with the army counselor has made him really wary and that jerk decided he didn’t have PTSD anyway.Guess his nightmares aren’t bad enough and there’s some level of interpersonal and occupational functionality that Colby surpasses.”

“Yeah, that was Colby’s thought too, that they’re trying to save money.It’s probably just as well, since Colby … So, what is your thought on the topic of homosexuality?‘Cause Colby’s not just my friend, he’s my boyfriend.We live together.Does that bother you?”

“I don’t know why it should, but it sure seems to bother lots of people, like Colby’s family and the Army and Jenny, who’s Nena’s mom, who’s our—Colby’s little girl.She’s five.Jenny actually threw rocks at me and broke our windows.”

“No, Jenny’s the mom, she threw the rocks, not Nena.Nena’s a sweet girl.We get her every other week.”

“Yeah, it’s great.So, do you think there’s a reason for people being gay other than that’s the way you are – I mean, this VA counselor told Colby that he was acting out against his family or trying to get back at his father or—”

“What did he say?He told the guy to go to Hell and—”

“Good?You think that’s good?It’s good that you think that’s good.That’s really … good.”

“Umm, no other questions that I can think of at the moment, but make sure that Colby talks to you about his father’s suicide.Oh, I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that, let Colby tell you.Don’t tell him I told you about it, okay?”

“Thanks.And Army stuff in Afghanistan and maybe other places.And just realizing he was gay recently.”

“Uh.Yeah.Last year I think, with somebody else.Co-worker, then my brother.Oh, crap, I shouldn’t have told you that.That’s probably serious counseling fodder.Though maybe the person you should be talking to about that is my brother, or me for that matter.But that’s another story, it’s Colby you need to be concerned with.He has bad nightmares and … daymares?Hallucinations – visual and auditory and olfactory hallucinations.”

“He smells perfume and human waste, apparently how it smells in Kabul.Make sure he tells you about that.He’s usually okay but not always, like when he got this letter about an old army buddy killing himself.That’s when I realized how much he really needs to get counseling.He didn’t want to talk about it, there’s a lot of stuff we don’t talk about.Though I’m trying to get better.”

“He did try to change the subject and make me forget but I made him promise to call the VA.Great idea that turned out to be.I’m really going to have to track down that guy and … ruin his credit rating or something.”

“Oh, no, sorry, that kind sounded like a threat, didn’t it? I didn’t mean that.Okay, maybe just a little. Colby is very important to me.”

“Okay, yeah, that was obvious, since I called you.”

“No, that’s about it.Unless there was something you wanted to ask me?”

“I guess from counseling I hope that Colby deals a little bit more with his father’s death, he’s never really dealt with it.In fact, he feels like he could have stopped it if he’d wanted to, so it’s his fault.”

“I agree, that’s bad.Maybe you can help him with that.The stupid counselor he saw right after the incident didn’t even figure that out.I mean, he was just a kid.And he’s a really good person, one of the real good guys.And maybe also from counseling, maybe a little more comfortable with his, umm, sexual orientation.He can be defensive, especially when it’s his family.They’re really conservative.”

“Yeah, yeah, lots for you to work on, but you can handle it, right?”

“I know, I know.No guarantees in counseling.It’s why I like Math, things aren’t so nebulous.”

“So you’ll call me if there’s anything I can do?Anything he needs, just tell me.You’ve got my number, right?Oh, of course you do, you called me back.”

“Okay, thanks for your time and answering questions and everything.”

“Yeah, yeah, I hope it works out too.Bye.”

Charlie blew out a deep breath and put a star next to Dr. Fox’s name.

 

**  
**

 


End file.
